I was Holding my Breath, but then I just Died

So I'm laying awake
and I'm having an argument
with several people
in my mind.
For years, I have played the game,
trying to say the right things,
trying to "confess positive" so I don't come across as
too dark and negative,
but tonight, in my bed,
I'm cussing in my imagination.

There are three people mainly I'd like to tear into,
but once the anger starts spurting up and out, the list can  potentially expand.

Tonight, I am not on my own list.
Don't worry, I have chastised myself endlessly
for my own fault in this matter,
for my sins which have surely caused me to reap this harvest of scorpions.
Tonight, I'm not on the list.
Tonight the bitter anger is directed at others.
I target Jezebel and her enablers.

(I can hardly even deal with my own son. That is an exquisite pain, one which is like a sword piercing my very soul.
Like, son, "How can you be doing this?" and even, "Who exactly ARE you?"
That pain is too jagged, too brittle and imminent to deal with for very long).

So I direct my rage at that skinny brat,
with her flat bottom wagging around the internet,
draping herself across her bff's in suggestive poses
with  her ever-present alcoholic beverages
like idols
to which she sacrifices her dignity
    with way too much affection.

For five/ten minutes, I let all of them have it.
You know, I VENT.

 But all of it is in my mind.

As soon as my fury has had its fifteen minutes (give or take) I repent.

My heart immediately goes up to God and connects with Him,
and I tell Him I'm sorry for being so ugly.

And then I think He lets me in on something we all know,
but which strikes me as a bonafide revelation, nonetheless.

It is this.

He knew what was in my heart and on my mind even before I formulated the words,
allowing them to take on the hideous mental shape of my hurt and rejection
and pain and shame.

It is like the Lord stalks my tweets, and even though I don't catch Him lurking,
in my mind, I still know He is there,
and He can discern my thoughts and behaviors any time He wants to.

He knows me.

So venting in my imagination was really a sinful little exercise,
but it was not surprise to the Father, not one little bit.

Psalm 139:4
Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

There is nowhere we can go to escape His awareness,
and if there were such a place, would we even WANT to be there?

Just a thought...