White-Out

Don't you just hate it when you make mistakes?
You have several opportunities to NOT make the mistake,
and then your mom calls,
and you get distracted,
and all the sudden, you've made an irretrievable error which cannot be remedied.

That was my life.

Lots of mistakes, lots of distractions, lots of friends on the road to destruction.

Then came Jesus.

Last night I was overwhelmed by the memory of how He reached down for me,
in the midst of my radical and rampant sin,
and plucked me out.

I was a mess when He found me, and I'm still a mess.

Sometimes I cannot figure out how exactly I became the person that I am.

Was there a problem somewhere on my chromosomes,
maybe something missing or something extra?

I don't know.

Sitting outside by myself by the fire, I realize that under that darkening sky,
I am really always alone,
and yet still never alone.

In the end, we want to be known,
understood,
GOT,
but I seem to be a creature who is destined to be unknown,
misunderstood,
and actually un-gettable.

Like, who really GETS me?

God does.

For some reason, He created me,
under the specific and unique set of circumstances
which shaped and misshaped me,
and then He let me run my life into the ground.

Then surprise, wham, tada!!

He called me.
He loved me!
He loves me!!

He knows me and still loves me.

I do not have to fear that if He REALLY knew me, then He would hate me,
because He ALREADY knows me,
and He still likes me.

Under the darkening sky, my heart is hurting oddly,
not from emotional pain
(although maybe somewhere a few years back, something really did get broken??)

I am undone.
I am no one.
And yet the Creator of the heavens and the earth
still likes me.